From a Father to a Daughter
Roy, the husband in Tayari Jones’ novel, American Marriage, meets his real father for the first time when they are incarcerated in the same Louisiana prison. Through her story Jones weaves together insights into the relationships and emotions that define family and marriage, love and passion. “Home isn’t where you land; home is where you launch.”
Reading about the relationship of a child to a father reminded me of my father, Ellis Howard, who died in 2011 from complications related to Parkinson’s disease. Because of mobility and health issues he spent the last few years of his life lovingly cared for at the New Hampshire Veteran’s Home in Tilton, New Hampshire.
We received a letter from the recreation assistant at the Veteran’s Home following his death. Her words describe how he lived and the example he set for his children and for those who knew him.
“…Gracious and observant, he often cheered others on during recreation activities. Working with diligence and tremendous effort, he propelled his wheelchair as far as he was able to be included.
He befriended many residents, knew their names, their stories, their joys and their fears. He asked questions and listened with the acuity only possible for those who have spent many decades being attentive to others.
Enthusiastic and joyful, he gave it all he had, whether it was a game, applauding entertainers or pushing through physical exercise.
He was kind to the voiceless, greeting and encouraging others who would not be able to reciprocate. On gray days, he would greet the staff with an open smile and twinkling eyes grasping our hands inboth of his. His smile conveyed caring, curiosity, warmth and optimism.
He did not complain. Ever. I watched how patient he was with his slowing pace and inaccurate movement. I never saw him get angry with himself, frustrated or discouraged.
Cheering others on was his secret door to setting aside his own trials. My last outing with Ellis was to the Winnisquam Middle school to meet with students participating in the Veteran Mentor program. The activity was charades, the group lively and loud. Ellis chose his card with delight and with mischief in his eyes waited for his turn to act out and hopefully outsmart the children. What a grin he had throwing his arms up and moving through some word or phrase! As much as he thrilled to their questions and guesses, he was cheering them on trying to help them succeed. Each student’s victory was celebrated.”
Through my father I learned to love the mountains, where I knew he found solitude. Two years ago, I spent a few weeks in Japan hiking Buddhist trails on the Kunisaki Peninsula in Kyushu, Japan’s southernmost island. One day, after a particularly steep ascent, I looked up and there he was walking next to me. There where the air is pure and silent.
My father was a lover of life and of all people. He taught me to live my life with determination, discipline, moderation and faith. Obstacles may be placed in your path, but you never give up. Ever.
Happy Father’s Day.